"My Life So Far..."

Saturday, January 29, 2005 at 7:21 AM

empty... lost... depressed... sad...

empty. my life is empty. there is no reason to live. there is no reason to wake up every morning and do your duties. nothing seems right. everything seems pointless.

lost. i am lost. truly lost. i keep on treading the road of life with no exact point of destination.

depressed. i am under a phase that seemed no cure. i am laughing, yes, but the truth is i am crying. i am physically present but mentally my mind is elsewhere. i can tell a story or two but inside i feel like shit!

sad. i cry myself to sleep. every waking moment, especially when i'm alone, seems hell. i cant even spend a minute without memories haunting me.

right now i am empty. i am lost. i am depressed. and i am sad. i dont know what to do. dont know who to turn to. my whole world revolved in this one person. i am the planet and he is the axis. he is gone right now. suddenly my world stopped revolving. and i dont i dont know if things will be the same when he comes back. but right now, i lost my reason for breathing. i lost my purpose. he is the only thing that make me want to wake up in the morning.

my relationships with other people have been compromised. i have lost focus. i resort to constantly being drunk because i like the feeling you had when alcohol numbs your senses. even for a short while i forget how miserable my life is.

maybe you can help me? this is a cry for help. if you could answer my questions. then certainly you could help me.

why am i feeling this way? is this the way it supposed to feel when the one you almost gave up everything for leaves you?

Thursday, December 09, 2004 at 6:46 AM

chapter I

i was doing great before you came. my life centered only to one thing-- my friends. i was okay. i was carefree... hakuna matata! i can do things i want. i can laugh. i can sing. im fine. im free...

sure i have my ups and downs. but i still seem to go along. no matter what, i kept on treading.

i was busy living my life, one day at a time. i tried to guard myself. tried to protect me from the harshness and pain. on the journey to my so-called life, there was something on the road i did not see. i stumbled and i fell. i didnt see the pothole lying there!

okay. im not fine. i tried to cope with what the wicked world throws at me. i tried to be strong but deep inside i am weak. i tried to be brave but im trembling. tried to laugh but in reality i am crying. tried to smile but inside i am hurting. tried to tell myself that i would better off alone but when i fell on that pothole, it told me otherwise.

the world around me changed. there are colors everywhere. i began to see the world in a new light. i felt happiness i have never known before. just thinking about it makes me smile. for the first time i was happy. i felt complete. i felt i dont need to guard myself. after a long time, i put my defenses down again.

i was happy, indeed. my priorities changed. my world revolved in a new and different axis. it was like a dream. after all the things that has happened to me, i never thought i would be this again. i never thought that this would happen. thankful? i guess i am. because... i dont know.

Saturday, October 23, 2004 at 11:33 PM


i dont know where i am right now. what is my status with regards to life. i am twenty five years old and yet i havent been anywhere. yes, i have been to places but i guess that is not important. my life is boring (or so it seems). i have reached this age and i havent even finished school yet.i have reached this age and yet im still naive on how the real world works. i have reached this age and im still clueless on life. i have reached this age and still i feel lost. i dont know, i guess i am lost. my future is bleak. i am still in the dark. i know. you maybe laughing now. it is a cliche. the thing about being lost, that is.

over a year ago, i made a decision that changed my life completely. i mean completely. every aspect of my life has been changed. from the smallest issues to the biggest,that decision utterly change my life.i dont know. but right now, im on the verge of feeling sorry that i made that phone call. had i not done it, i wonder what my life would be now? but i guess there is no use in crying over spilled milk, or is there?

i have so many issues in my life. i dont where to turn to. my life has been shattered. and the pieces has been scattered.and it would take me time to pick up the pieces of my shattered life...

you might think that i do not make sense. i know, most people do not understand my actions. they only try to understand.but if you would only look closer, if you would only take time to listen. then maybe, just maybe there would be a flick of light that would help you understand the real me.

i am taking my life one step at a time. i try to be a goody-two-shoes people want me to.for once i try to listen to what they are trying to tell me. i made my life miserable. and now i need the help of others to correct my path. i am blindfolded and i need another person to help me navigate so i can find my way.i also try to put my shoes on theirs and try to analyse my life . i am on the outside looking in.

my life so far has been a cacophony of feelings. i have laughed, i haved cried, i have gone through many things. i have been drunk a couple of times, i have been left out, i have been cheated and i have learned (or i keep telling myself that i have). but still i do not know if this is my life. i am not sure if i am doing the right thing. i am still not sure if this is what fate has to offer me.i can never tell. but one thing is for sure, and i am happy that at least there is a clear thing in my life. i want to spend the rest of my life with this person. i dont know if he does the same. whatever it takes, i would still want it. i have been through many things. and life is short to be afraid. wherever this will take me. so be it. at least i wouldnt be the person thinking or trying to figure out "what if?"

as the old song goes, " i know i'll never love this way again. so i keep holding on..."

Wednesday, October 20, 2004 at 4:27 AM

what a way to start my blog!

what a way to start my day. i was almost late for work. my head hurts. so bad i guess it would split in two! while in my head i was reliving what happened last night. last night,i had the biggest argument in my life. biggest? i guess my life depends on that discussion. as usual, i was the one who is loss for words. i wasnt able to defend my side. i was intimidated. and i left. i wasnt sure if i can go back again. god knows how much i wanted to. anyway, i went off work early. i told them that my throat hurts. where in reality it is me who is really hurting. i am lost. dont know what to do. my life is so complicated and all tangled-up, i dont know which one to fix...

welcome to my world!

at 1:59 AM

My Life So Far

You are about to experience what I have gone through.

Be prepared!

As I will take you to a journey entitled...

"My life so far..."